Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Kiss Away The Pain

So it was one of those days where I couldn't STOP being a nervous wreck. See, my dad hasn't been doing so great the past month or so. He's been moody, anxious, doesn't want to eat [well, according to my mom. He always eats if I'm around.], and has been not wanting to move much because he says his knee hurts. He DOES have very bad arthritis in his knee but I guess he's been in a lot of pain lately. He's not the kind of man who cries and runs to the doctor every time he has a headache, so when my mom asked if she could take him to the doctor to have his leg looked at, and he agreed, we knew things had finally become too much for him to handle.

I'm extremely close with my parents. If they're unhappy, I feel it. It gives me a lot of anxiety. But neither one of them thought I needed to come to his doctor's appointment today, so I stayed home in this constant state of anxious prayer. I prayed that the doctor was good to him, that my dad wouldn't be scared, that there was something that could be done for the pain. I prayed and I waited for the phone to ring. I didn't even eat and barely drank water. I just waited. I'm normally the caregiver, the one who drives them to every appointment, the one who fills out all the paperwork, the one who listens to the doctors just so there's an extra set of ears in the room. But this time they didn't need me, and so I stayed home, prayed, and waited.

Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and called my mom. Everything went fine. The doctor was good to my dad. Gave him options. They decided on a steroid shot to the knee and some medication that didn't have many side effects. My dad took the shot like a champ and I guess the relief was pretty instant because he was hungry afterwards and was even laughing with my mom, something he hasn't done in forever. Pain makes you a different person.

But so does anxiety. I don't know what it's like to not be anxious 98% of the time. It's just this constant thing in my life, my "normal." Luckily for me, I have SL to escape into sometimes. And I have someone there to kiss away the pain.

Kiss Away The Pain

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Happy Birthday, Bluebonnet!

If you've been following along with my blog for a long time, you'll know that in September of 2008, I suddenly acquired an island. Owning an island was DEFINITELY never in any of my plans for my SLife. I had moved to the island maybe only a couple of weeks before with my ex-partner. It was his, and it came with renters. Then on September 13th, a bunch of stuff went down and he offered to give it to me - lock, stock, and barrel - renters and all. He'd pay for the transfer, the name change [Bluebonnet wasn't the original name!], and the island changed locations. I was so overwhelmed with how quickly everything was happening, I agreed to it. If I'd had more time to think, I probably wouldn't have. But, I didn't. When the old renters left within that next month, I replaced them with new ones. I figured things out as I went along.

I'm glad I didn't say no to him back then. We've had good times on Bluebonnet. Parties, so so many parties. I've had fantastic people live near me - Bloggers, jewelry makers, home builders. I've had people who stayed a week, and some who have been with me since I got the island. This is where I met some of my best friends, where I got married, and now where we have our family.

It's home.

Happy Birthday, Bluebonnet!

Happy birthday, Bluebonnet! Six years is a long time to love a place, but oh - how I do love you.

And When We're Apart, I Know How Much You Miss Me

Weekends are usually pretty busy for the both of us. I've probably mentioned it before, but one of Aldwyn's jobs is that he's a DJ. [RL, not SL.] So his weekends are often taken up with various events that he DJs. And often, my weekend days are taken up with visiting with my parents or doing other RL stuff. But nights...it sucks sometimes when he's not able to be around on the weekends. I actually didn't expect him to be around tonight [neither did he], but he managed to make it in. Too late to see the girls, because they needed to sleep, but at least I got to be with him.

And when we're apart, I know how much you miss me

So, can I confess something? Sometimes I have teeny tiny tantrums internally when he tells me he won't be around. I know, it's awful! Don't get me wrong, I adore that our girls are normally around to be with me, and if I were ever really lonely, I have the rest of our family to lean on. But it's not the same as having my partner around when I want to do things. Not that we ever really go out any more...but you get my point! :-p But, RL comes first, for the both of us, and we know that.

The one saving grace is that I know he misses me when he can't be around.

If I didn't feel that, I totally would have jumped on that newbie that blazed through our house earlier tonight when the girls and I were in the living room. *laughs* Hey, Birdy liked his accent. It could have worked!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

All I've Got To Give To You Are These Five Words Tonight

Tonight, the girls and I headed to Prehistorica and met some dinosaurs!

Hi Dinosaur!

It was a lot of fun! The dinosaurs are avatars, but most are bots. We happened to come across a T-Rex that was very obviously being run by a person and that T-Rex chased Abby and Birdy ALL over the place! It was so funny! My girls might have little legs, but they are FAST and at one point, the T-Rex went and laid down. It was super cute how he played with them.

A little while after the girls went to bed, Aldwyn came online and we got to spend some alone time together. It's been a while, so it was really nice. :)

All I've Got To Give To You Are These Five Words Tonight

Some things have been going on lately, unpartnerings and unfriendings because of some serious serious stuff. As I was filling him in on what has been going on [he has been around the past few days but he's been under the weather so hasn't really stayed online long enough to understand], he stopped me and said, "Thank you for being you." Awww. :) No. He'll never have to worry that suddenly I am going to tell him I'm a man or an alien or a cat. After over 4 years together, he knows who I am and what I have done in my SLife. We laughed about how we were in our very early SL days, too, when families were weird to us but being in the club every night or walking around wearing latex was normal. It's funny how things change. It's good that things change, especially when they change for the better. We are both just so happy with each other and our girls and the rest of our family. We don't always have a lot of time to spend with everyone, or each other, but that just makes every moment precious.


Monday, September 8, 2014

Well, it's kinda never ending?

Good grief, almost 2 weeks away? What's wrong with me?? LOL! Just blame it on The Arcade and being pretty lazy, I guess. It's not that I haven't had things to say, but ... well, things happen. :) Have you completed your Arcade shopping lists yet? Aldwyn helped me out and we finished up my list on Saturday. Awesome, right?? If you are still looking for stuff, check out our yard sale!! We have commons at pull price and rares that are marked up a bit, but still not that bad.

So last night, we went to this place called Escapades and it was supposed to be a game where we killed aliens and did stuff. It was kind of fun, although we didn't quite understand what we were doing! We ran all over and hit random things that came out at us, but mostly it was just fun to explore with the family. Oh, and we got prizes here and there. Like... FALCOR!!

Well, it's kinda never ending?

That's not the best picture in the world, but it's not easy to ride Falcor and take pics at the same time, you know.

Bedtime for me! Sorry I've been so boring in here lately. I need to get back in the habit of blogging my thoughts and stuff!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

My tractor's cute, but not really sexy.

So after a while at The Cornfield, you run out of things to buy with your cornbucks. I mean, things that actually help you in your quest to kill monsters and collect corn. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE better weapons, better armor, a bigger corn basket, things like that. But, there are prizes you can spend your cornbucks on. I got a trophy, a necklace, and this stupid chicken that does NOTHING special and gets freaked out if I cross a path. Stupid chicken.

But...there was a tractor that I had my eye on. It's 5000 cornbucks, which is kinda pricy for a little prize, but I definitely have the cornbucks to spare. Look at it!

Go Tractor Go!

I attempted to run it in "advanced" tractor mode, but I couldn't really figure it out, so I had to go back to basic mode.

Not that it mattered. Advanced, basic, remedial... I'm a horrible, horrible driver in SL!

Still not a good driver

After I managed to get out of the pond, I sat on our porch for a while. I really haven't done anything with our porch because ... Well, mostly because I'm lazy. LOL! But also because our porch is just a slab and some steps, no cover or railings. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. After thinking a little bit about it, I rezzed out a fresh copy of our house and yanked some of the railings from the back deck and put them in front. Surprisingly, it worked out pretty well, and made a more defined spot for an outdoor couch and stuff. No pics because I was just playing around with ideas out there since autumn will come to Bluebonnet next week, and y'all KNOW how much I adore decorating for the fall!! Pumpkins EVERYWHERE.

But, while I was sitting there on the porch, I got up close and personal with my head.

Just a snap of my big head

I keep feeling like I need a change simply because most of the bloggers I know change their skins and shapes very frequently and I do not. Makes me feel like I SHOULD. But...I like my face. I like my skin. I'd hate to change it up and not be satisfied, you know?

Anyway, bedtime!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Even fairies have to take a bath.

The girls complain about their chores sometimes. But hey... guess who did her chores tonight with noooo problems?

Guess who did her chores? It's me!

It's ME! *laughs*

I don't usually do the choreboard chores because I do other things, but sometimes you just gotta show your kids how it's done! And yes, I'm still wearing my wings from the party. They're too pretty to take off!! Maybe I'll be a fairy forever.

Well...or at least until my next fashion blog post.

I just realized that I never showed you guys the decorations that the family left in our dining room for my birthday. They were ninjas and set it all up, and then when I finally logged in on Thursday, I ALMOST didn't see it! I had gone directly to my bedroom to change for scouts and if the girls hadn't been downstairs, I might have missed them entirely until much later!

My surprise birthday decorations!

Isn't it all just so festive?? Pretty soon I'm gonna have to pick it all up but...not yet. I like it there.

It's definitely bedtime. Tomorrow starts a brand new week!

A Beautiful Birthday

Oh my gosh, I'm exhausted! But it's a good exhausted. Tonight, my family threw me a birthday party! It was supposed to be a surprise, but they had to let me know about it so that I'd actually be able to be there. *laughs* It was a BEAUTIFUL affair!! Here's a few pictures!

Birthday Party - Fairies Watch Over Us

Birthday Party - The Entrance

Birthday Party - My Little Fairy Friends

There are tons more, which you can see in my birthday Flickr set. It was really just awesome to be with my friends and family. My sister did a fantastic job decorating and DJing! It made me so happy to just be with everyone that were nice enough to come. And it was super fun to go out to The Cornfield after the party, still dressed in full fairy queen costume, to kill some zombies and get some corn! :)

But this fairy needs to rest her wings now. Goodnight! ♥

Friday, August 22, 2014

And yet another one.

So today was my birthday. I wasn't really looking forward to it. I know. Me, the girl who loves birthdays to the point of needing to celebrate twice in a month. But when you lose someone close to you, you always think random, little thoughts. "She would have been this old this year. I just turned this age and when she was this age..." Etc, etc.

I turned older than my sister this year. I mean, technically, I reached that milestone last November. But our numbers were the same and I could just NOT think about it. Now I'm older than she ever will be. In some ways, it feels like I reached a goal. I don't know why, but it does. In other ways, it just makes me sad. She'd probably laugh. Finally the baby sister is old. That gives me a minor amount of comfort. But the whole thing has felt very weird to me and I've been extremely off kilter the past week or so. Sad. Angry. I've cried a lot. I've snapped at people who have done nothing to me. In a big way, it's a relief that the day is almost over because I can move on from it.

My online friends, though... God, what would I do without them? What would I do without these people that call me family? They have been amazing. I've been surprised with all kinds of things, AND they are throwing me a party on Saturday night!! I'm so lucky and blessed to have them.

So I was going to show you guys pictures of the decorations in my house that the family put up. And I was going to show you pictures of our Bumblebee meeting tonight. But I actually got inspired! This is a picture I've been wanting to do FOREVER. Almost 3 years, which is like forever in SL! *laughs* But I couldn't find all the pieces and of course my skills aren't awesome. But I'm really happy that I was able to finally do it because I love this song and I find myself humming it a lot when I'm in SL.

Smiling out loud
Sailing through clouds
Life is so new
And all I know is that I'm drifting towards you

So don't get in the way
I want this feeling to stay
Just let me keep falling, falling

So don't catch me now
I just wanna keep on falling somehow
So don't stop me now
I just wanna keep this going somehow
Keep on falling

Don't Catch Me Now

Wednesday, August 20, 2014


A few days ago, I read a NWN story on the game Kagami. NWN calls it a Japanese horror game, so while I was intrigued, no WAY was I going alone. No. WAY. I am probably one of the biggest 'fraidy cats in the world. So I mentioned it to the family to see if they wanted to go, and of course they did since we love exploring new areas.

We had 2 thoughts about it going in. 1 - That it would be super scary. And 2 - it would be very anime in nature. Since that's what we thought, some of us dressed up for the outing.

Out At Kagami

This reminds me of 2008 me so much. *laughs* Just updated 2008 me.

The anticipation of being scared made us scream a lot. The story was pretty decent, with cutaway scenes and being moved around with the HUD. But... it wasn't really scary. It also wasn't very anime either, but I still enjoyed my costume. It took us about 3 hours to complete the 2 parts of the game, and there were a lot of frustrated groans because we didn't always understand the next step to take, but it was a nice thing to do with the family.

Also, my great-niece Sophie found her new dad. Now to get Bella to agree to marry him. *snickers*

Sophie's New Dad

He kept standing around me, so I had to take a picture. I'm not that super small. He was just really big.

All in all, I'd say if you don't have much else to do with your SLife, head on out to Kagami to play. Be sure you keep your scripts low or you can't get the HUD! It's only open until August 31st, so less than a couple of weeks left to play.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

We Need A Maid.

It's kind of a running joke in our family that I don't feed my kids. My sis is actually tons better than I am at having mealtimes with her kids, and sometimes we tag along and Abby will steal something to bring home. I swear this is not on purpose!! I just haven't been able to MOVE around to fix anything to eat! Besides. We ate BBQ one day on the deck. Am I supposed to feed them every day? *laughs*

But now that I can move around in the house, I expect we'll have meals more often. At least, that's what I was thinking...

Tonight marks the return of the Bumblebees and Sim Scout meetings! [If you're a kid and want to come, the meeting is at 7:30pm tonight!] Since I am the den mommy again for this scouts season, I headed to our kitchen to whip up something for the after meeting snack.


We Need A Maid

I use our kitchen so infrequently, I had NO IDEA what was going on in there!! Is this from Mother's Day??? Are they going in there and fixing snacks with food from who knows when it was bought?? Good Lord, we are one step away from ending up on an episode of Clean House. [I'd say Hoarders, but the rest of the house is pretty clean.]


Never letting the kids in the kitchen again

Where are your favorite places to get food in SL? I've heard there are restaurants, too. Do you all know of any? Let me know! I'd like to feed the girls more often so they aren't in the kitchen making an unholy mess.

But the Bumblebees will have a snack tonight. So...there's that.

Monday, August 11, 2014

So Much Better!

Hey, it's a Berry meme! I couldn't resist doing this one because as I mentioned earlier, I also got a new computer this month. Although, after looking at her new set up, mine is definitely not as fancy! That's okay, though. She does way more pics than I do. :) I'm just thrilled to death that I've been able to hang out with my family, run around for hours, do gyazo gifs, and no crashes and barely any lag. It's awesome!

So Much Better!

1. Share any of your computer specs (video card, memory, etc..) Click here if you don’t know any of those things or just share the year you bought it.

* I fully admit to being the least techy type person ever and I have no idea what any of this actually means. My computer is a Dell Insperion 3847. Processor is Intel Core i5-4460. 8GB of RAM. Video card is nVidia GeForce GTX 550Ti. I have Microsoft Windows 7 64-bit Service Pack 1.

2. Which viewer do you use most often?

* I use Firestorm, the 64 bit one now. I've heard the official SL viewer is good these days, but I need to use a viewer with RLV because the girls use the Yuus/Nuu HUD and it's required for that. I don't like to have more than one viewer installed on my computer at any time because I've heard switching back and forth a lot can lead to inventory loss. But again, I'm not techy, so that could have been a load of smoke. :)

3. What is your FPS (Frames Per Second) when you have your graphics on ultra?

I turned it on Ultra to take this picture and it booped on down to 7.2 FPS. That's probably not awesome, huh? LOL! But when I have it on high and don't have shadows on, it's 80 FPS. I only turn on ultra to take pics, so I guess it's okay. Turning shadows on tends to make tiny mesh look gross [as you can see on my glasses] so I don't have shadows on too often. If there's a setting to make tiny mesh not look icky, please let me know.

4. How often does Second Life crash for you? Is it usually just a viewer crash or your whole system crashes? What are you usually doing at the moment of the crash?

* I have not crashed once since getting my new computer!! Before, with my old one, I couldn't turn around in our house without crashing. I couldn't even be IN the house half the time, and forget it if other people were around me. If I was anywhere with a sim surround? Pfft. That was almost an instant crash unless I could derender it real fast. It seemed like sometimes all I had to do was breathe and I'd crash on my old computer. This one is sooooooo much better!!!!

5. Do you know of any tips or tricks in the settings that would improve performance?

* Well, on Firestorm, I tend to disable the bridge thinger and not wear it. On my old computer, that helped a lot. Also, I turn off the HTTP textures thing. I don't know what that does, but I know on my old computer, it helped. I also don't have on anisotropic filtering most of the time, unless I'm taking pics. And I don't know exactly what this does, but I uncheck the "Enable Streamed VBOs" box, too. Supposedly that helps. I'm not sure where most of that is on any other viewer, but on Firestorm it's under the Hardware tab under Graphics in your preferences. Even though I probably don't HAVE to do any of that now, I still do it kind of out of habit.

If anyone knows how to make my antialiasing look better, though, please let me know. For some reason since getting my new computer, I feel like I lost a setting or something because I have the AA at 4x in my viewer and it's not QUITE as smooth as on my old craptastic computer. And also, please help a girl out and tell me how to make mesh look better when shadows are on! It's sad when my necklaces get all crazy looking, you know?

Saturday, August 9, 2014

A Corny Celebration

Thursday marked a really special day for me. It was my one year adoptiversary! I know, right? One year ago, Lolita and Rune asked me to join the family, and it's definitely the best thing I've ever done in my SLife! The family has changed over the past year, we've had our ups and downs, but on the whole, it's been pretty darn cool. We've done so much together, and I know there is so much more to come. It's really funny. I have done loads of things in SL. I've been a blogger, and a model, and a DJ, and a landlady. Going back even further, I've been a club manager and a dancer and into a whole other kind of scene. But I feel that this is what I was really looking for. I am at my best being a wife, mother, and sister. It's funny how that works, huh? Of course, I was a really different person a few years ago, so maybe even if this had been dropped in my lap, I wouldn't have been ready for it. Luckily, it came at a time where I could not only appreciate it all, but thrive in my new family.

So we decided to celebrate our one year, we'd head out to The Cornfield!! Only right before we were going to go out there, my computer started restarting itself. I know. My brand new fantastic computer! The first time, I thought it was a fluke. Then it happened again. And then again. And then I went yelling "HELP!" through the house and my bf came out to see what I was yelling about. Turned out that the wireless thingy inside the computer went on the fritz and was throwing it all off. Once he fixed that up, I was good to go. Only it was late, so no corn last night. :(

But, we headed out tonight, and it was so much FUN! I wasn't able to get a whole bunch of pictures just because being at The Cornfield requires a LOT of running, but here are a few I managed to snap.

Okay, this one makes me laugh the most. There is an outhouse out there to hide in and when you sit on it, your view goes out the window on the door. So I'm in the outhouse, a zombie is coming, and little Payton is right there!

The view from the outhouse

Abby and I were ready to kill zombies and collect corn! By this point, I'd collected so much cornbucks, I was able to upgrade myself with some armor.

We're ready to whack zombies

My sister looks so elegant in her box hat, right? [And I dunno what Takeo (aka Captain Corn) is doing back there. I just noticed him in the pic when I was putting it up!]

Elegant zombie killer

We stayed out there a good 3 hours but it barely felt like it because it was just sooo much fun and of course we always have the best time when we are together! By the end of the night, Takeo had made the top scorers list and I hadn't crashed even once. So we did the dance of the joyful!

All in all, it was a pretty awesome night. I wish that Aldwyn could have joined us this time around, but I'll have to take him out there when he gets a chance to actually sit down. He needs to collect 2000 cornbucks to get all of the armor like we have! Next up, we have to collect 2000 cornbucks so we can get a better weapon. That chainsaw will be mine!! Takeo is already halfway there with 1000 cornbucks, but I need 800 more. I can do it!

It's definitely bedtime for me. Happy one year to my family! I love you guys! ♥

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Just As Good As Always

In my RL, long hot baths are not really possible. Even long hot showers aren't great because my skin hates me and gets itchy, dry and gross. I don't usually mind in the summer because it gets so hot here sometimes that even our cold water comes out lukewarm. But there are times I want to take a really long, super hot bath and I have to ask myself if I want to be itchy for days afterwards or nah. The answer is usually nah. *laughs*

But since my skin in SL is beautiful always, I got a chance to relax in my mermaid tub, which I FINALLY was able to put out because I wasn't lagging like crazy!

Just as good as always

Yep! Even in SL, long baths are just as good as they always were. And as silly as it sounds, it really was relaxing for me.

I don't know if you guys read New World Notes, but there was an article today about Cube Republic and he said that SL has really helped him manage his trigeminal neuralgia - which is a really nasty chronic pain condition. Read the article, it's short but good. But what Cube said made a TON of sense to me.

As I've mentioned before, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder many years ago. I don't respond well to most medications that I could take for it. One drug that I do take when it gets super bad, I have to take half of the pill, even though it's a very low dose, because a full pill will leave me almost unable to function the next day. SL, especially in the past 3 years [although not as much in the past 6 months with my computer issues!], has been instrumental in allowing me the chance to manage my anxiety without medication. Or at least, with a lot less medication. :)

In the past couple of days, I've been reminded of the help that SL gives me. I can distract myself with pictures and exploring. I can laugh until I cry with my family instead of growing increasingly frustrated that I can't run around with them. And I can set up an oasis in our home where for a few minutes, I can just soak in a tub that won't leave my skin itchy afterwards. And when I get into bed tonight, I can think about all of this and feel less anxious. Even if I only get 5 minutes of relaxation, it's so so so worth it to me.