Day 294 - Introspection

I haven't done one of Berry's memes in a while, and since it's late and late is when I get more introspective, it seemed like a good time to do one. :)




1. Regardless of your current number, how old do you actually feel? I'm 36, but I honestly feel like I'm still in my 20s. Sometimes even younger. It really depends on the day and what's going on. I have flashes of feeling my age - like when I need to do something for my parents or when I wake up in the mornings and my fingers are stiff, the beginnings of arthritis. But for the most part, I feel young. Very very young. It's nice, though. For a long time, I raced to be older. I thought there was some magic to be older, and that isn't true. The magic is in keeping your sense of humor, your sense of wonderment, no matter your age.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Oh, definitely never trying is worse! Failures teach you what to do next, or what not to do again. It's why I don't agree with the current trend of "Everyone is special, everyone gets a trophy just for showing up" that I see some of my friends' kids going through in school. No. Not everyone gets a trophy. You EARN trophies by being good enough to get one. If you don't get one, that means you either did something wrong, or you just weren't as good as someone else. And it's okay! You learn from that and you work harder and when you do get that trophy, it means something.

3. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? That's kind of hard to say. I don't really regret much that I've done that has gotten me to this point in my life. But I don't know...if you told me that I'd die at 40, which is only in 4 more years, I'd probably...eat more cake without guilt, make sure I laugh even more than I do now [which seems impossible because I smile and laugh so much these days], travel to meet many of my friends, and spend as much time as possible with those who love me.

4. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I can be a bit of a perfectionist with some things, and it tends to overwhelm me because I want it done RIGHT. And I want it done right the first time, which contradicts #2 in so many ways. :) But I also want to do the right things. I fail at that sometimes, but, again, it teaches me what not to do in the future and that's worth it. I didn't really answer this question very well, did I?

5. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful simpleton, all the way! :) I worry so much, even behind all the happiness and laughter. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder over 15 years ago, and it gets worse each year as different things change. It's probably why I sleep so badly - my thoughts race all night! Being a joyful simpleton sounds like a nice change of pace for a while.

6. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? In some ways, yes. I love my friends. I will listen to them complain about the same things for a year if that's what it takes. But do I reach out to them often? No, not really. I don't want to be a bother, which if I had a friend like me, I'd think that my silence meant that I was upset or busy or not willing to talk. And it's not true. I'm just extremely bad at starting a conversation about nothing with most people. I feel like I have to be entertaining and it's hard for me to do that. So would I want me as a friend? Yeah. But it would be a slow growing friendship because I'm a bad conversationalist and need someone to chatter until I'm comfortable.

7. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Well, 5 years ago in November, my dad was sick and my mom was nuts. He's not actually sick now [although my mom is still kinda nuts] but I see how frail he is. So did the sickness matter then? Yes. Does it matter now? Not that particular bout of the flu. And in between my worrying about my parents like crazy, I had some SL stuff going on which REALLY doesn't matter now in the least bit. LOL!

8. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Wow. Umm... I really can't think of a time. And it's not that I'm not happy and excited about things daily. It's just that when I felt the most passionate and alive, I was performing. And I don't really perform now, unless you count SL DJing, which is a pale substitute for the rush of taking the field in front of hundreds or standing in a room alone with 3 judges, but still makes me really happy when I do it. I don't really get to do a lot of things these days. My life doesn't allow for me to travel or anything. When I had a personal trainer at the gym, I will say I felt really amazing after completing a weight lifting session and I was quite passionate about that for a while. It's harder for me without a trainer and I have some issues now that don't allow me to do what I was doing before, but hopefully one day I can do it again.

9. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? I don't currently have a job. :) But if I won a million dollars, I'd pay for my parents' house to be renovated and then if there was any money left over, I'd buy myself a good computer since I really really need one.

10. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? I'd gather my parents, my boyfriend, and my bestie and her family together in a room and we'd eat lots of delicious food and tell stories and laugh and just hold each other until the end.

11. What do you feel is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive is just existing. You don't contribute anything to anyone. Truly living means you are leaving your mark on peoples' lives. You help them. You receive love. You laugh and smile and appreciate the teeny tiny things in life, like the scent of your hand soap or the blue of the autumn sky. You don't have to have big grand gestures. You don't have to skydive and collect a million friends. You are truly living when you appreciate life.

12. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Because we won't get our trophy! LOL!

13. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I think I'd say more of what I think. I talk on plurk, I talk on my blog, but there is quite a lot that I hold back from saying. We are judged by our words. But then again, even if I weren't judged, I still might not say things because I don't believe that people need to know your every opinion, especially if it is needlessly hurtful. So I think...I'd be a dancer. I'd just dance like crazy.

14. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Take care of your body. It's the only one you'll ever get and you're going to be in it for a long time.



Whew. This was a LONG one! 10 points to you if you actually read everything!! ♥