Saturday, December 19, 2009

Day 42 - Draining

Ever have one of those weeks [or 2 or 3 of them] where things are so not good that you just don't talk about it because you just can't? And you keep it bottled up because it hurts and keeping it together is the only thing you've got? But then when things settle down and get a little better, you feel drained?

I'm having that kind of night.


I haven't talked about it, to anyone, but my mom's been super sick the past couple of weeks. She wouldn't let me come over to help her because she was scared I'd catch it too. I called her a few days ago and she was barely coherent and talking about how she saw my sister & nephew [we haven't seen them in 2 years], and to say I was freaked out would be an understatement. So to cope, I threw myself into SL. It was the only time I felt like I could breathe. I joked too much, I talked too much, and I added to my inventory as if it were my job. I didn't tell anyone in my life - ANYONE - what was going on because I knew I would lose it. And I could have talked. People have always let me know that if I need to talk, they're there. But this is how I manage.

Yesterday my mom said she was feeling a little better. Today I went over and made sure she and my dad ate and had food and it felt good to make sure that I could get that done. I felt better than I have in weeks. I felt like I could breathe.

But now I feel mostly drained. Not fully, but like if I just keep talking, the rest will come out and maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight without waking up every hour to check my phone. It's not easy being the only child of elderly parents. It's not easy when the entire family calls you Angel and say that the reason you were born was to take care of your parents in their old age. Because honestly? If that's the reason you have to be alive...what happens later when they're gone?

Blah. Too many deep thoughts and too much RL stuff for an SL blog. I just needed to ... drain.


Lilly Lalonde said...

I know just what you mean I help my dad out seeing as my sister doesn't live nearby and it can be so draining. I think sometimes its the worrying all the time that is the hardest part. But it is good to know that you have good friends that are there for you even if you don't tell them every thing all the time the comfort of having them there is sometimes all you need.

Casandra Shilova said...

Ali, before they go, you must find another purpose for your life. Not another person, but something that also matters to you, that will be there after your loss. Something that will help you pick up the pieces and go one ...just one foot in front of the other at a time until it becomes easier.

I have never been "the one" for my parents. My brother is the one that lives closest. My dad's b'day was the day after Christmas and he died shortly before Christmas. It took five years to do more than pretend everything was okay during the holiday. I get teary just thinking that my mom is getting old and won't be here some day.

*major hugs*